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http://www.armchair.mb.ca/~scissors/

‘The reason some movements thrive and others die is because of two simple reasons: unity and education. After years of being underground and unheard of, the sport/art/way of life that is the jamming of scissors finally has a resource that will help tie the loose threads of curious folks and rogue extremists together.

Who would’ve thought it would take so long to produce a comprehensive and all-encompassing site on the art of scissor jamming? Certainly, it’s about time that this informative site gets the attention it deserves.

So, members of Obsessive Users of Crotch Harmers (O.U.C.H.) and independent jammers alike can final wipe the sweat of their brows and relax. This site provides not only a history of jamming scissors and a list of celebrity jammers but also an intuitive list of Dos and Don’ts that are to live and die by. Here is a sample question and answer from the section:

Hey, isn’t this just a metaphor for masturbation?

No. If blood spurts out of you when you masturbate, you should see a doctor.

You may shirk in fear and repulsion at the thought of others stabbing themselves with sharp objects in delicate areas. You may be in disbelief, asking yourself, “Do people really do this?”

To that we respond, “Are you that gullible?” Please do not jam scissors into your crotch. We at the Colorado Daily do not advocate it, nor do we take responsibility for your actions. It’s just sick, dark, and twisted humor. Enjoy.

For more information, visit the local Planned Jammerhood chapter.

s/t

‘Allow me to jump on the ass-kissing train that has been following David Grohl for a decade now. The man can do no wrong, not even with death metal. If you’re looking for a new orifice torn into the nether regions of your body, this is the record for you.

If having phrases like “Red war will fall on my enemies” screamed countless times in a manner that is bound to cause throat cancer does not do it for you, this may not be a wise purchase.

Metal, namely of the Death and Black varieties, can downright be frightening at points. Most fans of the genre consider this to be the shining moments of songs. Personally, the lighter alloys are a bit more my style.

Songs like “Shake Your Blood” with Motorhead’s Lemmy and “Access Babylon” with Corrosion of Conformity’s Mike Dean sate this thirst. The music is as hard and in-your-face as nearly every other song on the album, but a bit more accessible.

The best part of this record is, there’s no trace of Metallica anywhere on it. Sorry to rain on the shit parade, but they suck.

The surprise of this record is hidden track. The singer is not credited but rumor has it that Jack Black is the man behind the mic. A quick listen to the song will make you a believer of the rumor. How fun is that?

After a pummeling album like this, Black’s performance is the best way to end the record.

Working towards number one

‘”Muscle, when will I see it?” asks Steve Poponi in his low, David Bazan-esque voice on one of the closing tracks to the band’s debut full-length album, “And Nothing is #1.”

From a physical standpoint, the tall, wiry members of South Jersey’s Up Up Down Down Left Right Left Right BA Start are a long way off from being living representations of the Greek Gods. Musically speaking though, the band can easily pull rank as heavyweight contenders.

They have worked hard through uphill battles and self-touring, self-promoting catastrophes to make a name for themselves. Now, UUDD can proudly say that no band speaks better of the punk and DIY ethics then the boys of Up Up Down Down Left Right Left Right BA Start. After years of honing their sound and building a strong, firm allegiance across the eastern half of the country, the band is preparing to settle into bigger digs and enjoy the fruits of their labor.

“This is the first national tour we’ve done and we’re all so excited for it,” began Steve Poponi, the band’s front man. With a ten-hour drive ahead of him and a seeming infinitude of weary road miles behind him, he is energetic and overwrought. “Not only do we get to play music for a living, but it’s like we’re on a cross-country vacation.”

Touring is paying off generously for UUDD. For the most part, the shows have been packed, the band has been warmly received, and the chemistry of the group is congealing well with the addition of second guitarist John Mascino (Kids Inc., Ghostman on Third, The New Anxiety). Also, the members of UUDD have been given some more creative legroom since signing with OHEV Records, a label responsible for catapulting the likes of Hot Hot Heat, Kind of Like Spitting, and Rocking Horse Winner. The label is enthusiastic about working with the band and plans on spreading out the band’s already broad sound.

“We’ve been told that we’re a popular musician’s band for the mathy time signatures, but there’s definitely an accessible layer over that part that adds catchy little hooks that the crowd can get into,” said Poponi. “It’s really nice because there’s different levels that people seem to appreciate and if people appreciate it for one particular reason, they still notice that those other layers exist.”

Picture styles of music as a stereo equalizer. Each EQ band setting can add or subtract various dimensions to fill or empty out the sound. Consider these EQs as different musical genres. In this case, the UUDD equalizer has a good deal of settings, ranging from punk to emo to metal to pop to math rock, the band’s ace in the hole. Set to zero, the sounds come out flat. UUDD worked diligently, though, to fine-tune each style into a proper and distinct blend for full stereophonic pleasure.

They have achieved the same effect of a quality hi-fi equalizer. The production is a delicate balance that allows maximum impact from each instrument. The effort pays off in a customized sonance that eludes categorization. The tones are familiar but, like a phrase lost on the tip of a tongue, it is difficult to find the correct phrase or word choice to accurately describe them. The music is a remarkable blend of saccharine lyrics layered sweetly over subtle, complex guitar riffs. It is a thrashing combo of throaty screams competing fiercely with simple chord-driven structures. The music is slow, but the second your heart rate lowers to meet the tempo, you are hit with a wall of sonar static. The band reels you into soft, comfortable states only to pull the chair out from under you when you least expect it. Since UUDD is behind the music, they claim that it is difficult for them to define their sound and of course, there are the distractions that come from band known to have a good time.

“Well, it’s not difficult to answer your questions,” began drummer Scott Rumble. “It’s just that it’s hard to concentrate on anything with John [Mascino] walking around in his tighty-darkies.”

Perhaps the band’s new lineup is coming together a bit too quickly. Then again, UUDD has been known to joke around about rather quirky habits while touring. On a previous tour with the band’s previous guitarist, Phil Apostol, they constantly joked around about band spooning nights in the back of the touring van. Mascino appears to be adjusting quickly to the capriciousness.

“I am about to undertake my first ever night of spooning with a member of the band. The two newest members of the band, [bassist] Dave Damm and I will be spooning. So, I’ll let you know at the show if I got lucky.”

What else could serve as better incentive to come see a band often described as “one of the best bands you’ve never heard of?”

s/t

“For a band whose name makes you think of the stresses and tensions associated with the band lifestyle, The New Anxiety pulls it off effortlessly and as calmly as can be imagined.

TNA is phoenix rising from the ashes of a crumbling South Jersey/East Pennsylvania scene. Bands such as The Secession Movement and The English System that have helped to define that local scene over the past several years are turning off the amps and putting their instruments back in their cases.

At a time that may be considered one of despair, TNA is the bright beacon of hope built upon the experience of the members’ former bands, including Kids, Inc. and Ghostman on Third.

Like Kids and Ghostman, The New Anxiety’s brand of indie pop is based upon insightful lyrics, clever segues, and intelligent progressions. The songs are catchy while simultaneously contemplative and inspiring.

Guitarist/singer John Masino has recently been splitting his time between TNA and his newfound guitar duties as a member of Up Up Down Down Left Right Left Right BA Start. As a result, The New Anxiety has been forced to take a backseat at points. The band works hard for what they do, though, and will most likely reemerge into the forefront of the Mid-Atlantic indie pop scene.

The five songs on this self titled EP clearly set up the path that TNA will take; writing good-quality music for anyone who will listen.

If the pace the band has set continues, at the very least The New Anxiety will be one of the best bands to slip through the cracks in 2003. A few years down the road, they may become a common household name.”

Moving out of the Drive-in

‘Not all things from Texas are bad. Although the state has been plagued with less-than-uplifting press, ranging from the depressing searches across the state for the remains of Columbia, to the mere existence of George W. Bush, the music scene is the state’s redemption for many.

Smaller labels, such as Has Anyone Ever Told You? records, help provide unique sounds that distinguish the state as the home of an unspoken sub-genre all its own: The Texas punk scene. No part of Texas shines more than El Paso, bordering on the southwestern tip of the state.

The El Paso music scene, like Gainesville, is small and also incestuous.

“The music community is so small that everybody knows everybody. If you play an instrument, everyone knows you,” said Paul Hinijos.

Guitarist Paul, alongside of guitarist/vocalist Jim Ward and drummer Tony Hajjar, were the heart and soul of At the Drive-in. Currently, with bassist Matt Miller, originally of the El Paso band Belknap, they comprise Sparta.

Whether or not they have experienced “Sparta,” the Japanese word meaning “harsh training,” is another matter all its own. They had an instant fan base built in due to the success of ATDI. They had been put through the wringer and are now coming out on the other side, rejuvenated and ready to tackle the project of Sparta.

“We are just forming as a band,” said Paul. “With the ‘Austere’ EP, we didn’t know what we wanted to do or what way we were headed. We became a band writing ‘Wiretap Scars.’ We took a lot of time writing the songs and spent a lot of time together and the project solidified into a band during those two months.

The presence of keyboards and experimentation is a bit less obvious in the current full-length disc, but will be coming into full bloom for the next release.

“For our next album, we had this idea to put everyone on their weakest instruments and just see what happens,” said Paul.

Interesting concept, to say the least.

“I guess we’re all just really inspired by the last Wilco album (“Yankee Hotel Foxtrot”). On the movie they made about the album, you see how they weren’t afraid to experiment. Even after they had established songs, they weren’t afraid to ask ‘What if we tried this?’”

At the Drive-in established their basis for experimental songwriting as the band grew with each album, and Sparta is continuing in this vein.

After ATDI broke up, frontmen Omar and Cedric formed the Mars Volta, which is heavily influenced by electronic sounds, while the rest of the band returned to their rock roots with Sparta.

Many people have sung the praises of the Sparta musicians for having their heads and hearts dedicated to truly caring about the music and musicianship involved in being in a band, while the Mars Volta has been criticized for their intent to garner fame.

“At the Drive-in was way more aggressive than Sparta is. We are the same people from the band and you can totally draw lines to At the Drive-in, but we’re getting older and our music is changing. I don’t think it sounds like At the Drive-in at all.”

The music is obviously different, but the writing sounds like a missing link between “Acrobatic Tenement” and “Relationship of Command.” The guitar writing has progressed and congealed into a style that is becoming the Sparta sound.

In the first seven days together, the band wrote 10 songs. It is obvious that the music was itching to get out and Sparta needed to be formed.

Good musicians are like sharks, never able to stop. The best musicians come from small scenes that they remain close to and help support, and Sparta is no exception to this dictum.

Disney, nudity, a bad memory

‘Kenny Bridges is very hyper and appears to be very excited. Who can blame him? He’s basking in the glorious sun of Orlando, Florida. Though he does not specifically say what he’s in line for, it sounds like he’s somewhere within the magical kingdom of Disney. Rather, he reserves his comments for what the people around him are wearing.

“These people are wearing jean shorts,” says Bridges. “Jeans are so popular right now. I’m glad a not a part of this trend.”

Though not another word of this line of commentary is spoken, we have both come to the silent agreement that he is surrounded by a group of people lacking any fashion sense.

As for all other aspects, he claims that “I become one with my surroundings.”

One can only assume that means he’s a lazy tourist with nagging children.

It’s funny listening to Bridges talk. He stars as front man for the band Moneen, which calls the suburb of Brampton, Toronto, Canada home. His voice crescendos as the ends of sentences near. He does not say “Eh,” but the majority of the typical Canadian accent dominates his speech. It’s very pleasant and uplifting, far from the monotonous, droning voices we encounter every day. Whether or not he is actually ecstatic is difficult to say – but something as simple as his tone of voice puts you in a better mood.

“I become one with my surroundings,” he repeats. His sunny disposition makes the people in his surroundings want to be one with him.

As a result, he makes lots of friends on tour. The problem is, he’s got an awful memory.

“I don’t know how good of a friend I am to the people I meet,” he says. “I don’t remember most of their names. It’s gotten to the point where I say to people, ‘It’s good to meet you again.’ It’s the safest way for me evade any problems. You’ve got to find a way to not come off as an asshole.”

In college, Bridges was a drama major. According to him, he was the worst drama major of all time. This bad memory of his prevented him from remembering any lines.

With any luck, his improvisational skills were keen and he strayed away from performing Shakespeare.

“I usually just tell people I’m stupid,” he admits. “That can get you out of so many awkward situations in life. 90 percent of the time, you’ll get a pity hug. In my case, 90 percent of the time, I have people agreeing that I am a moron.”

Perhaps ADHD or a little naive, but he’s definitely not stupid.

The last time Moneen played in Orlando, Cursive played a show close by. Since the band had yet to make it on the cover of major magazines like Rolling Stone, Bridges and company assumed they were a struggling group like themselves. So, they went over to their venue to invite them onto their bill. It was at this point that they realized that over 500 people had sold out the Cursive show and that they did not need their help at all. As a gesture of thanks, Cursive put Moneen on their guest list and promised to come see them play when they were done.

Bridges is not sure whether or not they ended up coming to see them play or not, but agrees that it was kind of them to offer.

“It’s wicked to the spigot,” he comments, whatever that may mean.

If Cursive did happen to make it to their concert, they would’ve been treated to a performance that’s an outburst of energy. One critic described Moneen’s live show as an event in which “the band moshes more than the fans.”

The term “mosh” may be a little 1993, but it’s an on-target description.

“We’re not trying to be crazy or do weird stuff like Napalm Death during our live shows,” Bridges says. “It’s just the only thirty minutes of a day where we can forget about everything else and just have fun. Sure, maybe we realize afterwards that taking our pants off and swinging from the chandelier was a bad idea but, so what?”

alter

“One of the best albums in the sucks category. It’s decent and bearable but it makes you wonder if Lane Staley recorded the vocals for this album shortly before his death and they just didn’t credit him for it. There’s a heavy influence from the former fellow Seattle band Alice in Chains. Also, this album is incredibly predictable. It’s a fun record to play the Guess the Next Progression game to. The instruments may vary in nature, but the writing is stale all the same. High point: The piano work sticks out as the most thought-out instrument on the album. Some of the guitar licks sound like Chris Walla wrote them too. Low point: Pick an album, any album and this will most likely sound akin to it.”

http://www.bumfights.com

‘What isn’t wrong about Bum Fights? Morally, legally, physically – name it, this site is just plain wrong. AWFUL.

So, what is Bum Fights? The name is pretty straightforward, but we’ll take the time to explain it for some of the slower folks out there. It’s, well, bums fighting. The hitch is that they are getting paid to do this – perhaps with alcohol or various illegal substances – and, in exchange, the fights get videotaped. Technically, the only difference between this and pay-per-view professional boxing is that Don King isn’t getting a cut of it. Oh, that and there doesn’t seem to be any rules of respect among these pugilists.

Bums fighting. It happens every day. The people you turn away from at intersections or refuse to give change to congregate in public places and beat the living crap out of one another. Sounds very Chuck Palahniuk, doesn’t it? Trust me, these people look nothing like Brad Pitt or Edward Norton. They don’t even look like Jared Leto after he gets his face beaten in. We’re talking bloody, gritty, honest-to-goodness crackheads here.

Speaking of crackheads, the thing that really catapults them over that line separating morality and immorality is a special little section they have with a man who goes by Bling Bling. Mr. Bling is Bum Fight’s very own crack expert. His video excerpt on this site is called “Crack Smoking A-Z.” He happily explains the difference between good rock and bad rock and, as may be assumed, how to smoke it. The one thing he fails to mention, though, is what happened to all of his teeth.

The true star of this series belongs to Rufus the Stunt Bum. You may ask what a stunt bum does. Well, he runs head first into solid walls and newsstands. He jumps off of elevated platforms. He passes out and ends up bloody with scraped knuckles. These are his stunts – hurting himself.

To date, there have been no reported accounts of people having their ears bitten off. So, it’s got that going for it, which is nice.

As for the video series, what we’ve seen so far is absolutely appalling.

When you pride yourself on quotes stating that Howard Stern and Tom Green are even shocked by your work, you’re probably heading in the wrong direction.

s/t

‘Loose Fur is more of an alter ego than a side project. Teaming up with Jim O’Rourke and more recent Wilco addition Glenn Kotche has allowed Jeff Tweedy to explore his darker, artier side.

He has let loose and dropped all semblance of otherwise-ostensibly-tight songwriting skills in exchange for fully spread wings and broader sounds. “Loose Fur” is a lot more open than fundamentalist Tweedy fans might expect – but any collaboration with O’Rourke is bound to devour the art rock world whole.

As rumor has it, though, O’Rourke has little to do with the noise/art-guitar sounds that spew forth from end to end of this album. Loose Fur is said to be a different medium for Tweedy’s self-expression. This is yet another side that cannot see the light of day in Wilco, no matter how many barriers they break. At this pace, Wilco fans will not be able to keep up with Tweedy’s Tourette’s-infested fingers.

Oversaturating a market of steadfast fans is only going to cause the solid walls to burst or start leaking. Trying to conquer the world will only make defeat inevitable. They’re walking a thin and dangerous line here and someone is bound to fall. Will another clich? get the point across more clearly?

Managing to walk that thin line with confidence, Tweedy’s songwriting abilities are fluid but any comparisons to his successful works prior to “Yankee Hotel Foxtrot” stop there. This is new, uninhibited, and adventurous.

The slow, dilettante ambience is set out forthrightly by the opening rhythmically sustained pounding of the toms and the quiet roaring background wah of the guitar. Modulating from tonality to atonality at whim, this record is unpredictable. At points, it borders on being overambitious. It rarely hits the mark, but most of the time it hits somewhere close to the target.

O’Rourke and Tweedy are precise but Kotchke throws the accuracy all off. His drumming, when simple, is great. When experimental, a noisy clamor fills the void of what would sound better as silence.

Drums aside, “Loose Fur” shows that this team of veteran musicians still has a lot left up theirs sleeves.

maryland mansions

‘How do you describe Cex? The birds-and-the-bees method simply will not cut it in this instance. Cex isn’t even something that you have to see to understand. It’s something you need to hear.

Checking out the song titles won’t get you too far, seeing as how they read, “Drive off a Mountain,” “Take Pills,” “Kill Me” and so on.

Maybe Cex can be best described as an odd but seamless combination of Trent Reznor and Eminem. It’s not quite industrial and not quite rap – but elements of both exist in varying proportions from song to song.

Rjyan Kidwell, the brains behind the band, admits that “Maryland Mansions” is one of his most downtrodden and depressing albums to date, claiming that this record deals with hard times he was having in his hometown in Maryland and how he needed to flee to the West Coast.

The trouble is present in the lyric, the tone of the vocals and even the homemade artwork, which Kidwell put together.

He hones his craft on laptop-generated sounds and spoken word, bordering on rap, song stylings. The way standard instruments are thrown into the mix, giving it a thin rock basis, puts the album in the category of Nine Inch Nail’s “The Downward Spiral.”

He says that he’s a “young dude who is just trying things out,” so expect the Emersonian maxim of consistency to apply in this case. To use a worn analogy, he’s breaking out of the box.

What happens on “Maryland Mansions” will not be true of any of his future or previous releases. It’s all trial and error, without the grand scope of creating an album that will revolutionize the world of music.

Although he laughs at the emo moniker that gets tossed around so much that it has become meaningless nowadays, this album is more of a gut reaction than nearly any other album that gets pinned down by that label.

So, perhaps the best way to describe Cex is that it is feeling over form or function. It’s hedonistic music that proves that hedonism can be much more than superficial.