5. Start a fire, lead everyone to safety

People feel safe when they feel protected, and what better way to do that than to rescue them from the grip of certain death?

4. Find someone you can beat up, beat them up

Go full prison rules here. Establishing dominance may not help you gain the respect of your peers, but they will fear you, which is just as good.

The Snark is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

3. Say you slept with everyone in the office — everyone

The logic is foolproof. If someone thinks they’re the only one who hasn’t slept with you, they’re going to lie about it. Nobody wants to be left out, and there is a direct correlation between the number of people you have sex with and the amount of respect you get.

2. Drink raw eggs and tell people you are built like Rocky

By now, you should have beaten up a coworker, which helped to establish physical dominance. By drinking raw eggs and telling people you are built like Rocky, it will reinforce that dominance, show you’re a badass, and quite subtly point out how attractive you are. Plus, people may be too young to get the reference. So, you can also show how cultured you are.

1. Mark your territory

There is one last step to becoming a workplace leader: marking your territory. When everyone is together in the same room for a meeting and sniff out your spot. Let out a howl and let it go. Your team will know your are the alpha and respect you as their leader.

Congratulations on getting through all five steps! Up here, dude! *virtual high five* You are now a workplace leader!

The Snark is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.