5. Running

I don’t know about you, but I work at a desk all day and eventually got love handles! So one morning, I decided to change my life. I got up early, popped in my AirPods, and went for a run.

It sucked at first, but that first runner’s high felt so good! I decided to keep chasing that feeling and train for a marathon.

I joined a marathon training group on Facebook that does weekly long runs. That’s when I learned the true secret of running: these motherfuckers shit themselves.

Fuck that. I quit running immediately. I’ll take love handles over shitting myself any day of the week.

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4. Microlearning

I finally decided to learn a new language, and microlearning was the way to go. I signed up for a language app and, six months in, I know how to ask where the library is in French and it only cost me $80!

3. Waking up at 4:00 a.m.

I read on LinkedIn that a lot of rich people wake up between 5–7 in the morning. So, I decided that, if I could wake up earlier than them, I could be richer than them.

Hoo boy, did that ever change my life! Now, I can’t stay up past 8 pm and can’t sleep in no matter how hard I try. I never drank coffee before, but now I have a double shot of espresso before I shower in the morning. It’s invigorating. The biggest change, though, is that I hate life and everyone I see.

2. Coffee Enemas

I was never really into alternative medicine, but someone in the office was raving about coffee enemas and how it gave them so much energy. So, I gave it a shot and all I can say is wow! This is definitely a “read the instructions first” kind of thing, though. Don’t use a freshly brewed cup of coffee and end up in the ER like I did.

1. Heroin

Remember that runner’s high? I could never find out how to replace it. So, I tried heroin. Now that is one habit that really changed my life! Sure, I feel sick and constantly nod off. Plus, I pick at my skin all the time. At least I’m not shitting myself, though.

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