http://www.theagapepuppets.org
‘OK, you’re going to give us shit about using a Christian Web site, aren’t you? Calm down, duderino. We’re not insulting Christianity, Christ, or those imaginary pixies and their fairy dust or whatever it is you believe in. What you do in the privacy of your own, specifically designated place to practice religion is your business.
As long as you don’t believe you can control the weather by closing your eyes and concentrating really, really hard, we may not make fun of you. Or, unless you use puppets to convey messages to the public and your name is not Mr. Rogers. Freaks.
We’re talking about puppets here, people. PUPPETS! What the hell?
Let’s start by stating the goal of this organization: “Sharing the Love of Christ around the World with Puppets and Chalk.”
And chalk. How did we miss that the first time around?
This team of well-intentioned and devout Christians traverse the globe to spread the Lord’s message with their hands stuck up the asses of cotton-filled kid’s toys. Just take a look at the pictures on the site. You’ve got to question who they’re helping, and how.
There’s a really funny one of a small and, as we are to assume, undernourished child arm wrestling a young adult puppeteer. With the assistance of Christ and his message, the poor child’s arm may not be torn off completely by the end of this strength test. Maybe he’ll do the Christian thing and let the kid win. What message does that spread about Christ?
Oh, wait, we promised not to insult religion. No problem. There’s a ton of obvious jokes to be made about the puppets.
To maximize the suck on this site, go to the photo albums and narrate the pictures. Just say whatever comes to mind. It won’t take long before you produce much funnier comments on this site than we did like: “Hey boys and girls in Northern Ireland, look at Christ help me juggle these rings! You know what that means? It means God loves you. Sure your homes here in Northern Ireland have been torn apart by war and poverty, but look at these fabulous colorful disks floating effortlessly through the air! It means that everything is going to be all right!”
Here’s a message to the puppeteers: If you were a starving child in a third-world country would you rather see some comfortable American speak to you without moving his or her lips, using a dummy, or would you rather get a sandwich? Puppets and chalk are not going to put a decent meal in these kids’ stomachs.
As a little side note, the organization’s mission statement offers the following precept: The wicked will be punished eternally in hell, according to God’s perfect justice; and the righteous will be eternally blessed in heaven, to the praise of God’s infinite Grace. Hell sounds more enticing.
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